TM Speech 15: What is your story?

This is a humorous speech assignment and I gave this speech in my club contest in the humorous speeches competition for the year 2014. I eventually went on to win the division championship title.

The objective is to leave the audience with a smile.

I have a question to you all. I expect an honest answer. Deal? 

Would you ever sign on any document without knowing what you are actually signing up for?

“…”.

Would you ever volunteer to enter a room that has no exit and the chances of your life turning miserable would be 50/50? “…”

You can be honest. I am not your spouse!

hmm…How many of you are married? “…”

You know what? I just did! – AND not too long ago, on August 13th, I signed my marriage certificate. 

I’ve never understood how humanity has conspired itself into signing on something without knowing what it is signing up for. 

On that day, the 13th of August, I was touched by an angel and became the husband to the most amazing woman I’ve ever met in my life. 

After returning to Belgium, I soon began to notice the peculiar ways in which people were reacting to the news of my wedding.

First let’s start with the women.  

“Oh! you are married! wow!”…There is something about marriage that makes them crazy! Their blood flows to their feet, they become red, they become so excited…

“how sweet …give me a hug…uuummmah”…wait! why is it ok to hug and kiss me after I got married!

“Where is your wife? Can I see a picture of your wife…oh how pretty!…You look so beautiful together…Oh she is not here yet. Oh! no!….you just got married and she is already not with you…ooooooo…”

I am not even sure if they take a good look at the picture at all. It doesn’t matter who is in the picture but they will say what they decided to say. 

Then, the single guys,

Takes time to sink in.  “What did you say?” …”Why was I not invited to the bachelor’s party dude? I thought we were buddies? I never knew about this…”.

“Well, of course…because I did not know it either four months ago”.

“What??%@$%^&”.  “What’s going on here. What’s the story…”

“Story? there is no story…it was an arranged marriage. I met her, the amazing woman that she is – we liked each other – we decided to live together…

“So, why should you marry then? Why not live together first, test it out and…remember our friend Vivek? He bought a whole cow and realized he was lactose intolerant??…”

“And keep doing this a number of times until I get a statistically significant result that tells me I am ready to marry?”

“the problem is that Indian women I wanted to live with won’t let you to live in with them unless you marry them…”.

“Has anyone tried dating an Indian lady here?…

“Lucky bastards!…

aah! an unlucky one out there. “Did you stop eating meat and start smelling like spice?”

Now the reaction of married guys:

…No excitement.  Exact opposite to the women. “Oh…Do I have to say something?” …“oh ok! whatever. not my problem!” …”Does he even know what is coming? “

An unrelated question? How many of you have done snorkeling or scuba diving?  “…”. It all seems beautiful in the water but the trouble starts when you open your mouth. It seems as though all married men are scuba diving all the time. 

Then another and this is the best, one of my colleagues at work:

“Hey welcome back! Congratulations. So, your wife is back with you?”…

“No..”

“Wow! Can it get any better! You are married, went to your honeymoon and you come back alone!. This is cool. You have all the benefits without taking its costs!”

But, the question keeps coming. What is your story? Well. The story begins now…Marriage … for me is a delightful journey of curiosity and discovering each other. I have the rest of my life time to write my story… 

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I won our division championship (The script has been edited since). The video is posted below